Stress Is Not Bad
That's right. I said it. Stress is not bad. How can someone who specializes in helping people manage stress say such a thing? Well, hear me out.
Stress is a normal, even critical part of being a human. It serves a purpose. Our "Fight or Flight" response exists to protect, even save us from immediate threats. It's that internal alarm clock that goes off and says, "Hey! Wake up! Pay attention! Get out of the way!". That's fine if the alarm goes off only when needed, but if it's going off constantly or when it's not required, that's when we get into trouble.
There is so much information out there about stress. Heck, I've written some of it myself. And with Stress Awareness Month, there is even more than usual. I've heard people say that thinking about stress, reading about stress stresses them out! Bringing attention to it only brings them more stress. They'd rather not add to it. The thought of having to add something else to their day to deal with their stress is just too much. I get that. I do. But ignoring problems does not make them go away.
Flipping the Script on Stress
I propose we flip the script on how we think about stress. Yes, prolonged and chronic stress can have adverse effects on our minds and bodies. Ignoring or not dealing with stress will not make it go away or reverse its impact. However, what if we were to consider the idea that it's not the stress itself that encompasses the bad, but that our response to it can contribute to the poor effects as well?
If we can change our response to stressful events, can we lessen the adverse effects? Can we engage with it more constructively? I believe the answer is yes.
Let's consider a typical stress response. Muscles tense, heart rate increases. Fear or anger may be present. These emotions might be expressed externally towards others or internalized. Soon this starts spilling over into other aspects of life. The feelings go home with us; they dictate how we respond to everyday events. We get angry in traffic, we yell at our partner or kids for not helping with the dishes.
(Fun fact: Under stress, blood flows away from the part of our brain responsible for managing emotions. No wonder we have trouble controlling them when stressed out!)
Next, we have a splitting headache, and we can't sleep. Do we even remember what set us off in the first place? We lie awake ruminating over all the bad stuff that has happened. If this occurs regularly, it's going to take a toll on us (and likely those around us). Physically. Mentally. Now let's consider how we can take a mindfulness-based approach to respond.
Ever the student, I'm currently participating in a mindfulness training program. In this program, I learned about a technique that it turns out I'd been implementing and teaching, but I didn't know it had a name! There are many of them, but for this article, I want to tell you about SCORe.
SCORe stands for Stop, Connect, Observe, Respond.
Stop: Don't let the autopilot take over when stress hits. As soon as you are aware of the stress, stop and take a beat.
Connect: With what you are experiencing. Is it new, or has this happened before? Don't try to ignore it or block it.
Observe: Examine the experience as much as possible, without judgment. Observe it objectively if you can. "My boss is angry that we lost a client. He's venting that anger towards me. I'm upset."
Respond: Don't react. Consider how you want or can respond to the event. When we react, it takes on an unconscious implication that happens without our control. When we respond, we've considered our options and outcomes and made a conscious decision on how to proceed. "My boss's anger is likely with the situation and not me. I'm unhappy he's taking it out on me, but I know this isn't really about me. I will remain calm, breathe, and offer what help I can."
In this example, we did not get rid of the stress, nor did we ignore it. We engaged with it mindfully and chose how to respond. We did not negate our feelings or our boss's, but we did not judge them. By engaging in a way that encourages awareness and acknowledgment of what we are experiencing at the moment and taking back some control over our response, we can diffuse the negative impact of the stress.
I realize this may seem like an oversimplification, but I invite and encourage you to try this method. Like anything new, it will take some practice, but give it a shot and see what happens! What do you notice when you do this vs. your usual way of responding to stress?
Regardless of whether you like this method or not, remember you are allowed to have your emotions. Do not judge yourself for having feelings. It's ok to feel sad, angry, hurt, depressed, annoyed, etc.! You are a human being, and you are allowed to feel! Instead of letting them take control of your actions/reactions, try turning off the auto-pilot, greeting them with awareness, and acknowledging why you feel them.
Feelings and stress are not inherently bad. They are normal, valuable pieces of human existence. Engage them in internal conversation instead of pushing them away. With a bit of practice, we may be able to use them to help us more and hurts us less—something to consider.
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