January is for “Judgment”
Ah, January. A month for new beginnings, fresh starts, and more judgment. In typical fashion, the year starts with people asking questions like:
“What’s your word of the year going to be?”
“Are you setting any resolutions for the new year?”
“What about goals or intentions?”
I mean, the year has only just begun, we’re still a bit hungover from the hell-scape of 2020, and we have to figure this out now? Why is this important to us either as individuals or collectively?
Is the act of sharing them publicly a means of committing ourselves to them so that we can hold ourselves accountable or manifest them in some way?
Now don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking or doing any of these things, but I wonder if we’re setting ourselves up for accountability & success, or are we opening up to the possibility of judgment from ourselves? This isn’t something I’ve researched extensively or looked for scientific backup on, but I think we generally fall into a few categories when it comes to resolution/goal setting. Likely we’ve all found ourselves in at least one, if not more, of these categories at some point.
Those who routinely set resolutions, put plans in place to reach them, and hold themselves accountable.
Those who set a new resolution at the beginning of the year put forth a reasonable effort, but eventually, it fades.
Those that do not set any resolutions at the new year.
Where do you find yourself most often? In #1? Good on you for finding a system that works for you and sticking with it! #3? You’re not putting any extra weight on the new year - you follow Matthew McConaughey’s mantra “JKL - Just Keep Living,” right?
And where are my #2s? You, friends, are a member of a large and wonderful community! You have tons of company because this is where most people find themselves at some point. You see it when you can’t find a spot at the gym in January only to have it to yourself by March. Maybe you decided to lose weight, read more, meditate more, spend less time on social media, whatever, only to miss a day here or there, get bored, whatever, but eventually, the resolution faded away. I certainly have set many a new year resolution that ran its course over weeks or months. The question I have for you is:
“How do you respond to yourself if you don’t meet your resolution?”
I ask because I don’t think the most important thing is whether we meet our resolution. How we talk to ourselves about our experience is. Too often, we humans default to judgment. Negative judgment and self-talk such as:
“I’m such a failure.”
“I’m no good at this.”
“I’ll never be able to do this.”
“Why do I even bother trying?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
Any of these ring a bell? Yeah, here too. In Yoga, one of the primary tenets is called Ahimsa, which can be translated to mean “non-violence, non-harming, or non-judgment.” When we embody or practice Ahimsa, we are taking an approach of loving-kindness toward ourselves and others. So why don’t we try flipping the script and try practicing more Ahimsa?
Hmmmmm, did I just set a resolution?
Anyway, let’s reframe those questions above applying Ahimsa.
Instead of: “I’m such a failure.” try, “I didn’t meet my goal this time, but I tried. What did I learn and what worked for me that I can use if I decide to try again in the future?”
Instead of: “I’m no good at this.” try, “Turns out this is not for me, but that’s ok because I tried. I wouldn’t have known otherwise. There are plenty of other things I’m good at, and I can keep exploring new things.”
Instead of: “I’ll never be able to do this.” try, “This is harder than I expected, and I’m not sure I want to continue. I think I’ll step away for a bit and reflect on why/if X is important to me and what I might do differently if I stick with it.”
Instead of: “Why do I even bother trying?” try, “I’m disappointed right now, but I’m proud of myself for trying. That in and of itself is something good.”
Instead of: “What am I doing wrong?” try, “I’m frustrated this isn’t going how I planned/wanted. Maybe I’ll try a different approach and see what happens.”
See how that works? We are so prone to negative self-talk, judging ourselves, beating ourselves up for our perceived failures. If we stop and practice a little loving-kindness, it allows us to see the other side of our experience and shine a light on the positive.
I’m not saying we all need to become super positive “Mary Sunshines” here. Negative thoughts and feelings are normal, but what I am saying is that we need to welcome more light. It’s about balance. There is no light without darkness; there is no yin without yang.
The beginning of a new year brings many added pressures to set a goal, be better at X, lose X amount of weight, exercise X amount of times a week, fill in the blank. We get inundated with ads, influencers, family, and our wants and desires. It is a grand invitation to judgment. As we’ve discussed here, that judgment can be negative or positive. So, whether you set resolutions in January or not, whether you meet them or not, do what feels right for you. And remember your new friend Ahimsa, because sometimes it’s not the “what” but the “how” that is important.
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